Jobs 4 Your Fired Ass

Analysts polled by Reuters Surprised by Jump in Jobless Rate…

jobs4yourfiredass — Thu, 02 Apr 2009 16:34:30 +0000

then maybe they should be fired!

I mean really, have they looked out the window? There are people walking around with no place to go!

“The number of U.S. workers filing new claims for jobless benefits surged to a nearly 26-1/2 year high last week, data showed on Thursday, indicating that the pace of job losses was yet to peak.

At the same time, the number of laid-off workers collecting state unemployment benefits jumped to a record high in March, the Labor Department said, as the recession now in its 16th month makes it tough to find a new job.”

Hmm, lets take a deep breath and think about this for a moment. Jobless can also mean… ‘vacation’ or ‘retired’ right? Summer is coming up and I am almost certain that the folks in one of those Dakota’s where it’s still snowing would like to have a job floating down the Colorado River or serving mai-tai’s on a cruise ship. And I’m just guessing, but I think most of us would love to do exactly that!

And you can!

There are still people with money out there—not just you or me—and they take vacations to resorts in Hawaii and to Arizona and to Florida and hell, I don’t know where rich people go because I’m not rich, but we can figure it out together.

Okay, I figured it out. (I couldn’t wait for you.)

Here are some fun summer jobs-HIRING NOW- that may not earn you big bucks but you can get a tan and maybe have a summer romance with a wealthy countess.

Have fun and don’t forget to send us a postcard!

AMERICAN WHITEWATER EXPEDITIONS
(Coloma, California)

Seasonal (Spring – Summer)

American Whitewater Expeditions is based in Coloma, California right on the banks of the South Fork American River. American Whitewater offers rafting, kayaking, and riverboarding trips for folks ages 6 – 80+ years on the North, South, and Middle Forks of the American River and the Stanislaus River.

SPECIFICS: American Whitewater hires 10 to 15 new employees each year, part time and full time. We need river guides, retail clerks, a reservation assistant (computer trained), Class B shuttle drivers, and someone trained in vehicle and raft repair. The season is April through September with allowances made for students’ schedules. Pay rate depends on experience level and position desired. Please inquire.

INSIDER TIPS: Prior guiding experience or attendance at a guide’s school is required for raft guide positions. Our guide’s school is during the week prior to Easter Sunday. There is a discount for students and teachers. If you like fast flowing rivers and consider yourself an outgoing, personable ‘people’ person then we would like you to join our staff.

PERKS: Inexpensive accommodations, use of rafts and gear during free time, all meals while working on a trip, and close to Tahoe, Yosemite, and California’s wine country.

TO APPLY: Send a detailed resume and current photo. We will contact you via mail at once. Contact: Jon Osgood, American Whitewater Expeditions, P.O. Box 4280, Sunland, CA 91041-4280
(818) 352 – 3205.

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Colorado Summer Rafting Jobs
Outdoor Adventure and Student Employment

Thank you for your interest in employment with Wilderness Aware Rafting.

We are now accepting applications for our 2009 river season. Applications will be accepted until March 1st, 2009.

If you are interested in becoming a river guide, please note that previous rafting experience is NOT necessary. We will provide you with all of the necessary training needed to turn you into a top quality professional river guide.

See what some of our former guides have to say about their experiences at Wilderness Aware. Drew’s Letter, Koni’s Letter

Wilderness Aware Rafting will hire self-starting, creative, friendly, dedicated and hard working applicants. Applicants should be prepared to be team players and become professional river guides working to exceed our guests’ expectations.

We will also be hiring a few exceptional individuals to join our successful team of Customer Service Representatives and Shuttle Drivers.

If you’re interested in joining us in Colorado for the summer of you life, use the links below to fill out an application or to learn more about working at Wilderness Aware Rafting.

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http://www.cruiseshipjob.com/jobs.htm

New Foreign Jobs in Exotic…

jobs4yourfiredass — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 17:24:24 +0000

Afghanistan!

That’s right—- hundreds of civilians will be needed to help with the new administrations surge into that rather dodgy side of the world.

Back-up personnel for diplomats and military officers should apply- but not if you’re gay (they don’t really approve). Oh, and if you’re a woman and you don’t mind being dressed from head-to-toe in heavy cloth with only your eyes peeking through this is a job for you!

Sure times are tough in this economy but if you really want a job they’re out there! So don’t be all, “there aren’t any jobs in this horrible economy and I really want to work but there just isn’t anything for me and this President isn’t helping me at all and wah, wah wah.”

Don’t be a pussy. Apply now!

http://tinyurl.com/ceamze

Weeeeeee’re Baaaaack!

jobs4yourfiredass — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 23:40:22 +0000

We know we’ve been missing for a few months and we haven’t meant to neglect you, but really, we were doing it for you!

Do you think we liked being locked up in a high-rise in downtown LA with a hairy chihuahua and the smell of boiled lettuce? (Don’t ask)

HELL NO!

But, we did it for you. We finished writing our book, “Thank You for Firing Me- How to Surf the next wave of success after you lose your job.”

Yep- It’s finished and off to the publishers with a publication date of February 2010.

Until then, we want to help you find a job. Everyone is getting back to work. Britney, the US Government, anyone whose anyone!

We want you to find a job that doesn’t just make the rent payment—which sounds pretty good right now— but a gig that you’ll love.

So check this out:

You like Beer? We thought so!

Oregon Southern Washington Area Manager


Department	Sales Washington
Job Location
Date Posted	Mar 4, 2009

500 Linden Fort Collins, Colorado USA newbelgium.com 970-221-0524

Job Posting
Oregon and S. Washington Area Manager
Date Posted
March 2, 2009

Summary: this Area Manager would be responsible for running New Belgium’s business in Oregon and Southern Washington. A significant piece of his or her business is managing a large distributor with multiple branches, several smaller distributors and three direct reports. The successful candidate will be required to live in Portland.

There are three components of this job: distributor management, people development and market/brand development.

• Building Distributor Partnerships – Builds true partnerships at all distributors by adding more value than competitors through the contributions of New Belgium’s people, sales systems, brands, brand support tools, and a generally good-natured way of doing business that is uniquely New Belgium. Should become recognized as one of the distributor’s best supplier reps.

• People Development – Responsible for overseeing development plans for all people under his/her supervision including personal initiatives, annual reviews, quarterly progress reports and skill development days. Focus is to develop Sales Rangers into great sales people and brewery ambassadors and to provide them with a solid foundation in the workings of the beer business and wholesale distribution.

• Market & Brand Development – Manages the growth and development of New Belgium brands in a defined geography or universe of key accounts while ensuring that New Belgium’s brand integrity is never compromised. Design, develop and achieve annual market plans. Builds strong partnerships with all key accounts on and off-premise (aka “spreads the love” and establishes a win/win approach to growing the retailer’s business) and performs regular business reviews with the top accounts twice a year.

Qualifications: Minimum 2-4 years beverage industry experience. Previous distributor management experience required. Previous people management desired. Must be eager to learn, grow, manage chaos and create fun. And then want to do it all over again in a way that people will remember. A solid understanding of MS Word, Excel, PowerPoint and Outlook e-mail.
The pay range for this position is $57,200 – $75,000 DOE, this includes a geographical adjustment for Portland, Oregon.

Must have a squeaky clean driving record. Motor Vehicle Record checks will be conducted on candidates.

To apply: Submit a cover letter and resume to New Belgium Brewing Company 500 Linden Street Fort Collins, CO 80524 or apply on line at www.newbelgium.com or fax to HR 970-221-0535

Final date for accepting resumes: March 16, 2009

And how about this one at one of the best companies IN THE WORLD?

PATAGONIA

Job Title: In-store Visual Merchandiser
Reports to: Store Manager
Location: No positions available.
General Summary:
In addition to responsibilities as a Sales Associate, the In-Store Visual Merchandiser provides visual merchandising service to a specific Patagonia retail store. This position is responsible for the in-store oversight and implementation of all merchandising strategies consistent with the company’s goals with regard to image and focus on product sell through.

Essential Job Functions:
o Perform all sales associate duties – see sales associate job description.
o Through merchandising, create a retail environment that is innovative, unique and customer friendly. Maintain and grow the store’s visual personality to reflect the community in which it is located.
o Implement the company’s visual merchandising directives throughout the store. Such directives may require some creativity in molding them into being consistent with the particular store’s goals and image.
o Work with Visual Design Group, Store Manager, and store staff to create seasonal floor plans and implement floor changes consistent with the store’s lay out, customer demands, and current product focus.
o Re-merchandise displays, point of sale, and select areas of the store regularly so as to maximize product sell through.
o Clinic store staff on merchandising basics. Involve the staff in the visual maintenance of the store and assist in communicating to the staff Patagonia’s visual merchandising standards.
o Work with the Visual Design Group, Store Manager, and store staff to communicate Patagonia’s environmental goals and initiatives within the store.
o Work with the Store Manager and the Visual Design Group in determining specific visual needs, such as fixtures, image photos, and point of sale materials for the store.
o Coordinate with Store Manager to schedule appropriate time off the floor to complete these tasks.
o Provide timely and complete follow-through on all areas of merchandising and fiscal responsibility.

Physical Requirements:
o Occasional travel will be required.
o Purchasing of merchandising supplies will be required; cost will be Company paid based upon prior approval of Store Manager and/or Visual Merchandising Manager.
o Must be able to safely and regularly lift and carry 55 pounds.
o Must be comfortable with climbing ladders.
o Must be able to stand/walk for extended periods of time.

Minimum Job Qualifications:
o Demonstrated creative and innovative ability in visual presentation.
o Demonstrated understanding of product presentation.
o Extreme attention to detail, conscientious worker.
o Working knowledge of Microsoft Word, Excel and Outlook a plus.
o Excellent customer service skills, in person, on the phone and in writing.
o Comfortable with team-based work structure and, when needed, the ability to work independently.
o Demonstrated flexibility on the job; ability to adapt quickly and react positively to business needs and changes in strategies.

Employee Conduct:
It is the responsibility of every employee to contribute to a positive work environment through cooperative and professional interactions with co-workers, customers and vendors.

And one more in a cool town— because we love you!

Town of Breckenridge 150 Ski Hill Road Breckenridge 80424 Phone: (970) 453-2251 www.townofbreckenridge.com
1 Job from this agency \| View agency profile

Job Title

multiple positions

Source

Town of Breckenridge

Location

Breck, CO 80424

Date Posted

3/01/2009

Job ID

202473-3063571

Job Description

Town of Breckenridge The Best Jobs in Town Group Fitness Instructor – PT / Benefits Rec. Specialist I CDL Driver – PT/ Benefits Specialist II – Ice Official – PT / Benefits Rec. Specialist I Climbing Instr. – PT / Benefits Summer Recreation Intern – Temp / Benefits Transit Operator – Substitute To apply: Jobline (970) 547- 3123 www.townofbreckenridge.com For all current job openings… Job Board: At Town Hall, 150 Ski Hill Rd. or at Rec Center, Ice Rink, Golf Course, and Public Works for part-time or seasonal jobs. TOWN OF BRECKENRIDGE APPLICATION REQUIRED FOR ALL POSITIONS Equal Opportunity Employer

Out of Work but Totally Trendy!

jobs4yourfiredass — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 06:16:39 +0000

Dude- the bad news is you’re unemployed. The good news is that you’re finally cool. Being without a job is like, all trendy. Everyone is doing it!

You know how it seems like you buy the cool clothes right as they go out of style? Remember the mullet you finally talked yourself into getting……a decade too late? And you finally saved enough money to buy that Hummer? Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about. Always a step behind right?

But not now! You got laid off. So have like, 1.2 million people. Tight!

And now, like the coolest president-elect ever held his first radio address on YouTube last Saturday and what did he talk about?

YOU!

That’s right, he spoke about getting people…like YOU…back to work. He talked about helping people to reinvent themselves so they can find jobs in the green movement and other thriving industries. Out with the old, all across the board!

So check out the pages we have here or heck, checkout other jobs sites, and get back to work. And don’t feel bad. If you had to lose your job, you picked the perfect time to do it. Really, two years ago your creditors would have come and taken you to debtor jail, now they speak to you like understanding human beings. Last year people would have called you a loser. Now they call you cool. (OK, maybe they still call you a loser but it could be a personal problem.) But don’t wait to long, another trend is right around the corner.

So get (back) to work!

Cool Jobs of the Week

http://www.cruiseshipjob.com/jobs.htm—there are a bunch of them!

Safeway Inc has 2 WINE STEWARD openings!!!

The two available Wine Steward Positions are at:
4515 SE Woodstock, Portland 97206 (store 1523) and
12032 SE Sunnyside Rd, Portland 97015 (store 1231)

Apply now at Safeway.com or at our in store hiring kiosks. For additional information on this position, please contact Safeway’s Employment Specialist at Karla.Reynolds@Safeway.com

Greenpeace is currently hiring motivated and confident individuals to build its grassroots power.FULL-TIME AND PART-TIME POSITIONS AVAILABLE keywords: full-time, part-time, students, grads, graduates, environment, environmental, social change, progressive, global warming, peace, summer, year-round, amazon, forests, toxic technology, learn, career, principles, Greenpeace, green, oil dependence, renewable energy

And this one because we found it very interesting! Too bad OUR eggs are out of business!

JEWISH EGG DONOR NEEDED by LOVING JEWISH COUPLE $20,000+ALL EXPENSES PAID
Reply to: lovetogiveandshare@yahoo.com

You just lost your Job? Sweeeeet!

jobs4yourfiredass — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 01:37:37 +0000

Lemme ‘splain Lucy.

First off, today’s headlines are once again scaring the bajezuz out of everyone, but not your trusty anti-career experts!

Okay, so Global delivery company DHL announced today that it was cutting 9,500 jobs as it discontinues air and ground operations within the United States AND U.S. financial services and brokerage companies are threatening to lay off another 70,000 workers AND Circuit City is talking about ‘restructuring’ the company (read: layoffs) but hey, it’s all good!

This is the perfect time for forward-thinking individuals—PSST, THAT’S YOU! If you were just sacked or are about to be canned this is a tremendous opportunity to reinvent yourself rather than worrying about all the headlines of recession and downturn. (Except our headlines of course.)

When we talk about ‘reinvention,’ it’s not something crazy like quitting your job as a highly paid, highly stressed surgeon and running away with the circus…like this guy we know named Dr. Dare who used to replace heart valves and now gets shot out of a cannon …but something like that.

Trying to reinvent yourself into something that you think you “ought to” do is not a good idea. Any change process involves hard work, set-backs and even hitting brick walls. Like Dr Dare.

If you’re chasing after another job which you have little enthusiasm for, then you have little chance of success. Or worse, you’ll get that piece-of-crap job and be miserable.

So focus on identifying roles which involve activities which you enjoy. Jobs which will utilize the skills which you enjoy using and enable you to work with the people you enjoy hanging out with.

But we do get that you have to eat. Reinvention isn’t something you can do in a weekend and jobs are not being found on every street corner, but they are out there. Maybe you will have to take a crappy job to tide you over until your ‘dream job’ can be obtained. So go ahead, it won’t kill you, but don’t become too attached. This is the perfect time to start over. We have a new administration and a new attitude swirling out there in the cosmos so get out there a find out how you can make a career doing what you love….just like Dr. Dare!

Job Listing:

Since we got on this circus kick, here is a school where you can learn to ‘fly through the air with the greatest of ease….” or something like that.

http://www.circuscenter.org/index2.html

AND, here are some circus job listings for just about everyone including dancers, techies and administrative folks.

http://www.cirquedusoleil.com/jobs/en/default.asp

http://www.feldentertainment.com/opening.htm

and one more…

http://www.bigapplecircus.org/utility/employment.aspx

Apparently we need to get F***ing serious now!

jobs4yourfiredass — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 23:23:39 +0000

How is this even happening?

Seriously, we have president-elect Obama on the job, a boss who is offering ‘Hope’ and ‘Change’ and all things rosy, yet the economy plunges deeper into the abyss?

WTF?

Everyone is reporting that the unemployment rate finally climbed to 6.5% — the highest in 14 years — making it nearly impossible for the clowns in Washington to continue to deny that we’re headed 100 mph smack into a wall of recession.

Those photos of folks standing in the unemployment line on A1 is depressing as hell. In fact in brings back memories of your anti-career specialists standing in one of those lines back in, ummm…when did we last get unemployment? 1981?

That’s because we have about 3 jobs each. Good jobs, decent paying jobs. Nothing like a gig on Wall St….or a money-making mortgage firm or a snazzy real estate office….oh wait, those jobs are disappearing as fast as the office supplies in the White House.

Sure this economy sucks and with $1 million jobs lost this year the outlook is, well, f***ed.

Or is it?

Here’s the thing. None of our friends are out of work. Well, actually, a bunch of them lost their jobs this year, heck, we even lost a few between us, but everyone is working. Making a buck. Paying the mortgage. (Sort of.) The fact is, there ARE jobs out there, just maybe not the same exact job that you just lost.

Here, let us explain.

Our friend Carlos was an electrician in a big fancy building in San Francisco but he lost his job six months ago when the building co-op board decided to find a less expensive contractor. Fine, so Carlos looks around and finds a job installing solar panels in Los Angeles. He took a two-day course on how to install those puppies wa-la! He’s already moved up in the company and some day hopes to own his own solar installation business.

Okay, not convinced?

Sarah, a friend from school was a mover and shaker in real estate. She had the Beemer and the big-ass house over-looking the Pacific…but two years ago she saw the Four Horsemen of the real estate Apocalypse charging towards her McMansion and she freaked! (wouldn’t you? ) Anyway, she pretty much saw the writing on the wall and tried to figure out what else the hell she could do besides tricking young couples into buying homes they couldn’t afford. (Let’s not even talk about the Karma.) Sarah thought and she thought and while she was thinking her mom went into an assisted living joint. Sarah thought it stunk like urine and the four grand she was paying for mom seemed to be a tad over-the-top for what they were getting. LIGHT BULB MOMENT!

Sarah made one last sale—her own home—and bought a smaller one inland for a pittance. She hired an RN who was sick of working in a big hospital and young staffers and filled the four rooms of the cute new assisted living home she created with old folks who have cash. Business was so good she bought another and another. Sarah now owns 5 assisted living houses and spends quality time with mom while she’s at it.

These are just a couple of examples, and starting today, we’re going to list more and more jobs, but we need YOU to be creative. Stop thinking about getting another job exactly like the one you just lost. Screw that! Re-invent yourself into someone that has an enjoyable career. Would it kill you to have fun at work? (no is the proper answer.)

So stop reading the damn paper (the election is over, so save your 50 cents because you don’t have it!) and read us instead. Send us your comments AND your job postings. If we all hold hands and sing Kumbaya, we can turn this unemployment thingy around. Really, if we can help an African-American nab the most important job in the world we can certainly find you a new career. (Yes we helped in the voting booth, thank you very much!)

So maybe you’re a stockbroker doing whatever it is you do all day. Seems to us like you’re the kind of person who probably takes a risk now and then. Maybe you like to climb rocks with all that gear and stuff. (It’s obvious we don’t.) Our point being, why don’t you get some professional training at the American Mountain Guide Association and become a paycheck-earning- rock climber/guide/dude. You can work in a gym or teach people or guide wealthy Boomers up on a real mountain. So you won’t make a gazillion bucks, but are you doing that now? And beside, when things level off you can always day-trade from your tent. For more info contact: http://www.amga.com/resources/

Here are a couple of actual job listings we thought might provide you with a little money and a lot of fun!

Outdoor Education Instructor

Marble Falls TX

Located on Lake LBJ in the heart of the beautiful Texas Hill Country, The Outdoor School (TOS) is about 50 miles northwest of Austin and 70 miles north of San Antonio. TOS is a residential outdoor education program that focuses on hands-on experiential educational and outdoor courses. The primary ages attending The Outdoor School are 4th – 9th grades. We are looking for instructors who love working with children…and love teaching them in the outdoors! Instructors will teach pre-approved curriculum, create and run teambuilding sessions and conduct evening activities. As an instructor, you will be with the children 5 days a week.

You live on property in a dorm size room with all necessary facilities. Room and most board are provided plus $215/wk, with opportunity for paid work on weekends also available. We are currently hiring for our Spring season (February 8th – May 23rd). We will conclude hiring for the Spring season when all positions are filled.

If this sounds like the job for you, contact Nicole at nangel@outdoorschool.com or call at 1-830-598-2571 ext. 239. Check out our website www.outdoorschool.com for more information.

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Associate Regional Director

Washington DC

The National Parks Conservation Association, the nation’s leading national park advocacy organization, seeks an Associate Regional Director to assist the Northern Rockies Regional Office (NRRO) Senior Regional Director in carrying out the park protection programs of NPCA, both national and regional; assist with management oversight responsibilities for the regional office, contribute to the fundraising efforts through writing proposals, meeting with donors and marketing NPCA programs. A BA degree or equivalent experience in government, environmental or science related, with graduate degree preferred, and a minimum of four-five years experience in environmental advocacy, non-profit management, park administration or planning.

Please visit our website at www.npca.org for a full job description. Qualified applicants please submit your resume and cover letter directly online to www.npca.org under “Work for NPCA”. No phone calls please. NPCA is an EOE.

To apply now, click on the link below:
http://www.npca.org/jobs/

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Volunteer & Youth Program Manager

San Francisco CA

Interested in Community Engagement and Stewardship?

The Site Stewardship Program works to restore vital habitat for threatened and endangered species within the Golden Gate National Recreation Area through community and educational partnerships. Over the past 15 years, students and community volunteers have contributed more than 300,000 hours toward the restoration of these special sites.

Are you the right person for this valuable position? Working as part of the Stewardship team, the Community Programs Manager will nurture and support existing educational partnerships, develop and run service-learning and volunteer programs, train and supervise interns, provide marketing and outreach support for the program and work to meet the restoration goals of each of the sites.

Duties include (but are not limited to):

Oversee all aspects of service-learning and volunteer; hire, train and supervise two full-time interns; sustain existing, and develop new, educational partnerships; develop programming and run regular service-learning programs for local school groups at stewardship sites; support weekly volunteer drop-in program; organize and facilitate the LINC Summer High School Program; and develop, edit and produce bi-monthly newsletter, and write weekly email updates.

Qualifications:

Demonstrated ability to effectively lead, communicate and motivate diverse volunteers and youth; strong commitment to diverse community participation and stewardship in park management and program planning; experience as a volunteer or in volunteer management; experience and/or knowledge in the management of natural resources; strong organizational and group management skills; enjoy working outdoors in all kinds of conditions; excellent interpersonal and communication skills; friendly, welcoming and outgoing personality; ability and desire to work as part of a team on complex projects and programs; Computer proficiency in writing and basic computer skills; ability to obtain a Class B License; bilingual in Spanish or Cantonese a plus;

This position requires a Tuesday-Saturday schedule to accommodate volunteer programs as well as occasional overnight trips. Frequent local travel will be necessary (vehicle provided).

Compensation/Benefits: This is a permanent full-time benefited position for 40 hours a week located in a beautiful national park setting. Job location is Fort Mason, San Francisco.

Applications will be considered immediately. Please send or e-mail resumes with cover letter to: Sue Gardner, Director, Site Stewardship Program; Golden Gate National Parks Conservancy; Fort Mason, Bldg. 201; San Francisco, CA 94123. sgardner@parksconservancy.org. Applications accepted until position is filled. Desired start date is January/February 2009.

We believe our staff should reflect the diversity of our community. All qualified applicants encouraged to apply.

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The Media Elite Shit-canned—Maybe they can get a job with Fox News?

jobs4yourfiredass — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 00:18:29 +0000

Jezzuz, can it get any worse?

BREAKING: L.A. Times Announces 75 Editorial Job Cuts Today

EIC Russ Stanton delivered this good morning message to his troops today:

Colleagues, The growing economic downturn is forcing us to undergo another round of job reductions and cost cuts. I deeply regret to report that today, 75 of our friends, colleagues and capable staff members in Editorial will be told that they are losing their jobs. This is about 10% of our total staff and these cuts are comparable in scale to those made on the business side of The Times last week. The severance terms being offered to our colleagues are similar to those offered in the other reductions we’ve faced this year. I appreciate your patience, understanding and cooperation during this difficult period. Your department heads and the senior editing team, including John, Davan, Meredith and I, are available to hear your concerns and answer any questions. Russ Stanton
Editor
Los Angeles Times

Well then, that’s more great news in these happy times now, isn’t it? And yet Fox News seems to keep their reporters on…perhaps the Times should make some editorial changes? Other than cutting their paper in half….

Oh well, it’s all very sad, but again, we don’t want to beat a dead horse or anything—because really, who does?— but here is a partial list from US News & World Report today of important jobs that will stick around even if the world is on the verge of self-destructing and collapsing. Oh, wait, it is collapsing. So OK then, here’s the list;

Law enforcement: In tough times, the level of crime tends to increase. It happened in France, you know, the whole start of the revolution….that whole storming of the palace because people were damn hungry? (Read your history books!) So be a cop. They don’t seem to go hungry.

Vice industries: Sex tends to sell well in a depression, as does liquor… Bevmo is opening more stores throughout the West. People will always find money to buy booze, so rum- running could be in your future.

Repossession, foreclosure, and debt collection: When borrowers can’t pay back their loans on homes or cars or credit cards, someone has to collect and evict. If you’re a car person, there will be jobs repossessing giant SUVs from borrowers who took advantage of no-qualification loans even when they knew it was more than they could afford. Kind of a job for jerks, but hey, jerks need jobs too.

Clergy : People seek spiritual support in tough times. Hallelujah Brother!

Entertainment: During the Great Depression, the movie industry boomed as people craved escapism and had time to burn. That would very likely be the same today: The film, video game, sports, and creative arts industries should remain viable. Besides if you are an actor, odds are you are used to being unemployed.

And this one we added just because we used to be in the biz.

Funeral Director: The nation’s death rate of 8.1 per 1,000 people will climb to as high as 10.9 as Baby Boomers die off. Death—there’s money to be made there folks, so stop your tears and store away your Reporter’s Notebooks and AP Stylebook and check these industry’s out. Besides, you were tired of getting crap from people who always said, “The Media,” like you, oh I don’t know, stepped in a pile of dog crap or something.

Am I right???

One ringydingy, two ringydingy…oh hell, never mind!

jobs4yourfiredass — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:37:35 +0000

I thought the daughter was fibbing when she said she tried to call the California Employment Development Department—otherwise known as the ‘Unemployment Office’ and they hung up on her. More than 20 times.

“Yeah right,” I told my Gen Y baby. “They don’t hang up on you. They’re there to help you.” So, frustrated mom dialed, listened, pushed the correct buttons and…was hung up on. Over and over again.

Back in January, before everything really went to shit, and with the unemployment rate only hovering around 6%, nearly 12.6 million calls were placed to the state’s toll-free phone number to apply for unemployment insurance benefits. The Los Angeles Times reported that more than three-fifths of the calls never got through.

“The state’s six call centers are “overworked and understaffed,” said Adrienne Suffin, an eligibility representative in San Francisco. “EDD has not kept up in terms of hiring.”

The subpar call-center performance hurts both working people and their employers, who pay the unemployment insurance payroll taxes, said Employment Development Director Patrick Henning. Weekly unemployment benefits in California can be as high as $450 and last for up to six months.

“It is poor service to the people who are on unemployment at a time that’s tragic for them after they’ve lost their jobs,” Henning said. Henning said he was paying overtime to cut the backlog in approving claims, which are being backdated to compensate people for delays in reaching operators.

In the meantime, he urged applicants to file their claims on the Internet at www.edd.ca.gov to avoid clogging up the state’s already overburdened telephone system.”

In all actuality, the daughter was trying to cancel her checks having found not one, but two jobs to replace the ungrateful place that had laid her off by reinventing and creating new opportunities for herself before her first check was mailed. A chip off the old often-fired block–couldn’t be prouder!

Finally, after three months, someone from the EDD called the still employed child. Being brought up correctly, she did not hang up.

Studs for Hire! A Hot Job for Hot Guys

jobs4yourfiredass — Thu, 09 Oct 2008 09:09:02 +0000

Heidi Fleiss, Author of Pandering

Some men hate wearing suits for work. Some guys hate wearing jeans. If you’re a guy who cant stand working in clothes and prefers being on the job naked, groundbreaking entrepreneur Heidi Fleiss has the perfect job for you–but only if you’re a hot, hunky stud who enjoys pleasing women. Guys who resemble Donald Trump or Hugh Hefner need not apply.

This December Heidi Fleiss is taking applications for her new business venture in Nevada, “The Stud Farm”. She is opening a male bordello for women, and HBO will be filming a documentary about Heidi’s stud farm, which will be opening sometime next year. The establishment will be in an area of Nevada where prostitution is legal.

It only took several thousands of years for someone to think of including men in the “oldest profession in history”. Prostitution is legal in Amsterdam, where women for hire stand in the windows of storefronts. You can window shop for miles and not see a single guy standing in a window. Until now, such a service was only available to male clientele. With so many men out of work and a growing population of women who have busy lives, money to spend and no place to go for stress relief other than the nail salon, Heidi Fleiss is helping our drying (no pun intended) economy. If you’re attractive and would like to earn serious money in Nevada entertaining an endless, all day supply of women, visit www.heidifleiss.com to submit an application.

Lose your job but not your Identity

jobs4yourfiredass — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 21:06:06 +0000

Get real folks—your job is not who you are! You have an identity besides being a stockbroker/waiter/banker/VP candidate. If you lose your job you are still a good person!!! Really—WE like you!!!!

So with the world crashing down around our heads these days and the candidates fighting about pigs and lipstick and faux beauty queens (note: one of the jobs4yourfiredass writers has been a teeny bit obsessed with all things political. Sorry about the lack of posts.) we want to get back to finding you a job!

As we’ve stated before, don’t take the first thing that comes along—if you can help it. I mean, if you have to take a job as a Port-a-Potti clean-up guy to save the house, then do it. BUT, if you have a little time, take a breather. Take a moment to figure out what the hell YOU want to do. I mean, if you already lost the SUV and the house, what’s your hurry???? Check out the top jobs from today’s headlines. Then take a nap. Check out the jobs again, have beer and then sleep on it. Tomorrow you could be right back to work and not even remember what your old boss looked like. It’s just a job. Get over it.

Hot off the presses!!!

MonsterTRAK.com, today released is top five industries for entry-level employment.

#1 – Sales and Business Development: Accounting for almost a quarter of all postings for entry-level workers, Sales and Business Development includes jobs in account management, real estate, advertising and field sales.

#2 – Accounting and Finance: Despite a downturn in the mortgage and loan sectors, this category accounts for almost 15 percent of postings, with employers seeking entry-level candidates for accounting, financial analysis, consulting and administration positions.

#3 – Training and Instruction: Education-related opportunities, including special education and junior high school teachers, college administrators, counselors and adult education specialists, increased more than 90 percent year-over-year.

#4 – Information Technology and Software Development: The most popular jobs in this industry include web and software design, consulting, online security systems, computer maintenance and help desk support.

#5 – Medical and Health: This category outpaced all others with growth of 200 percent year-over-year. Nurses, dental practitioners, pharmacists, physical and occupational therapists, and general practice physicians are the most highly sought